Why hast thou forsaken me??
4:19 am Monday, 29 December, 2008
Dear internet.
Please provide some entertainment.
Thanks in advance.
love
Dave
Archive for the 'can't sleep' Category
I’ve got nothing to do, but hang around and get screwed up on you
1:04 pm Thursday, 25 September, 2008
According to my sister, she and my mother have dismissed what I write here as (and I quote) drunken ramblings for the most part. Now I shall not try in anyway to convince you that I’ve written every word here sober, that would be a lie. But still, it’s nice to have so much just dismissed out of hand.
This is, I think, yet another reason to kill off this blog and take it back to something private where I can actually try and work out issues without having to worry about the consequences of readers.
Working with this, I give you a pretty significant posting. I wrote this going on a month ago when I was in Melbourne. I wasn’t sober when I started tpying but I was by no means drunk. I’ve been wary of posting this and I’m still not convinced. I don’t think I should hit publish but I’ve given up. This is unedited.
A month ago(ish)
Continue reading ‘I’ve got nothing to do, but hang around and get screwed up on you’
I got the movie script but I don’t know what it meant…
1:28 am Thursday, 13 December, 2007
Wow well you lot are keen. I seem to have quadrupled my traffic here in the past week and that’s without even posting anything. Though it does appear that some of you are visiting several times a day. While I’m glad you are so interested, might I suggest you look into a feed reader and head down the RSS route?
- Season 2 of Dexter is miles better than season 1 and I’ve enjoyed it a good deal.
- The other night I read True Grit. It was another one to finish before turning off the light. Good stuff.
- The Golden Compass was dire on almost all fronts. Short of some of the cast, I can’t think of a single redeeming feature and I enjoyed the books.
- My In Rainbows discbox arrived. I own vinyl, I doubt I’ll ever play ‘em. CD 2 needs more listening but the main album has really grown on me in the past week.
- I’m going to Egypt in January.
- I have bought some Bil Bryson books to try and inspire myself…and a number of guide books.
- I gave my sister my ticket for the Manics tonight. I’m somewhat annoyed but I’m just wasn’t feeling up to it today. Annoying.
- I was listening to some Doves earlier today. They started so well, a not bad album with two standout tracks Pounding and in particular There Goes The Fear and then a rather poor second album and I’ve not heard a thing from ‘em since.
- I keep reading how NME was good once, way back in the past, but I have such a hard time believing it.
- I read Chronicle of a Death Foretold the other day and it was okay. I think I’m missing something about Márquez, nothing has really hooked me. I do own and want to read Love In The Time Of Cholera and more so 100 Years of Solitude. I should get to ‘em.
- I seem, oddly for me, to be in a short pieces mood. I bought a collection of mountaineering essays/articles by Jon Krakauer and I’ve been enjoying going through them. I also bought The New Granta Book of the American Short Story which I want to get stuck into sometime soon.
- I’ve also read a number of Asterix books recently and have been very pleasantly surprised to discover they are as much fun as they were when I was younger and that there are even more levels to ‘em than I had realised.
- The postman brought me a lovely small package today and I hugely enjoyed crawling around under the table with a screwdriver putting a nice little memory upgrade into my computer. It’s doing a little better so far. New computer coming soon anyway but till then…
- Yesterday the postman brought me a slightly larger package. I ordered from art from my friend Jill and it’s arrived. It looks even better than I expected. Now I just need to figure out how and where to hang it.
Alright that’s it for now. Sleep time.
Where do the nights of sleep go when they do not come to me?
3:18 am Wednesday, 5 December, 2007
You’ve got to talk without speaking,
Cry without weeping,
Scream without raising your voice…
Here we are again. It’s whatever time it is now and I’m half-sitting half-lying in bed with the laptop. Playing on the CD player is the 20th anniversary remastered The Joshua Tree. It arrived this morning in a beautiful box set, double CD and DVD with a nice hardback book of lyrics, commentary and photos. There is absolutely no question that it’s arrival was the highlight of a very very shitty day. Anyway I’m listening to it now and it sounds cool and crisp and while I’m not generally a fan of remastering, it’s picking out Edge’s guitar that little bit more and that works nicely.
I have a lot going on these days and it seems to me that every single part of my life is stressful in some way. It seems really odd. For a while there I was worried about the possible affect work was having on me. For a little while I was even thinking that my version of “word salad” might actually be caused by stress or even worse depression. Scary words. I’m now convinced that it’s not actually down to work as it’s still going on when I’m not working(!), I think it’s just something in my head I need to work through…well that or a brain tumour, who knows! I guess I really shouldn’t joke about things like that but I have had my tumour fill for this year (if not this lifetime) so it’s probably not that bad.
I have come to some conclusions about what I want to do with myself over the coming months. I’m going to travel, I’m going to set out a budget and I’m going to go and see some of the world. I’m this close -> <- from booking a cruise / photography holiday along the Nile in mid-January. I'm not sure what's stopping me to be honest. Well it's probably the paperwork still hanging over my head and the need to move flat again and other complications. But I'm looking very strongly at that. Then I'm going to spend a week in Paris and a week in Hong Kong. I'm open to tying something into the latter, doing a stop-off or seeing something else in the region but I want to get a deal for it, it's not going to be one of the expensive holidays.
Then I'm going to North America. I'm going to Canada and the USA and I'm going to spend at least two weeks travelling around just experiencing. I'm actually thinking quite hard about doing four or five weeks. Spend a week to do catchup with friends in the DC/NYC area and then a month on Amtrak going where I feel like. It's really odd, if I think back to the good times of recent years, I can't think of a time I was happier than having just over a week in San Francisco earlier this year. I can't really figure out why, maybe it was just what I needed at the time but there was something about the entire trip. I dunno, I think it was so easy to get around after struggling with that in some other places, the weather was lovely, the people were lovely and the city was lovely. It was fantastic for wandering with a camera, I don't think I've ever had a better day out with the camera than walking the Golden Gate Bridge. You know I never really had any sort of fascination with SF unlike say NYC. I knew it was West Coast and I knew it was by the sea and I knew about the bridge. I went because I could basically and it just worked out so well. Anyway I want to get back to there. I think I'll end the trip there.
So that's the major plans. Minor stuff is much more local. Some time back in Dublin, not rushing around trying to see everyone in the world in just a few days. I want to head to some places that I've either never been (Belfast, shocking, I know!) or that I haven't been in years (Cork, Galway) and just take photos and take it easy.
To be honest though, having just typed all of that out, it changes daily. Sometimes even hourly. Sometimes I think I should just travel for a few weeks and then put the money into fun stuff (HD TV, sound system, new computer) that can then transfer into a place of my own (which most of the money is going to!). I think a lot of it will have to wait until I have the money in the bank.
Christ, what a day. You know when you are having a bad day and you aren't in the best of moods and throughout it all you know that? Well it was one of those days pretty much from the get go. I shouldn't have gone out today. Even as I woke up this morning I thought I should cancel but events conspired and I didn't feel like I could. In hindsight, always 20-20, I should have just cancelled, collected myself a little more and dealt with the cancellation after. Christ.
Alright and that's the next paragraph deleted. I'm not going to move back to LJ or anything like that so why bother to type about it. If I'm not comfortable typing something out here then I'm just not going to type it. So swiftly moving along.
I have no idea what to do next. Quelle surprise eh? I guess, I don't even know what I guess.
Man, you know what's really really odd? How can two people have a conversation and each one of them comes away with a totally different understanding of what they just talked about? It hurts my head. One thinks they agreed on black, the other thinks they agreed on white and neither can understand how the other came to their conclusion. It's really really fucking odd, I just cannot wrap my head around it and yet I've done it!
Alright so the album has cycled. It's sounding really really good as one of the greatest albums of all time should do, though I must confess that I prefer Achtung Baby. I don’t really want to listen to it again tonight but I’m not really close to sleeping and I don’t want to move onto the second disc with the “new” songs as I’m not in the place to listen to ‘em.
You know what I love? I love Metallica. I was wandering this evening and listening to Bloc Party. I’ve for some reason been listening to ‘em a lot lately but it just wasn’t working for my mood. So …And Justice For All and then Master of Puppets were my companions for the evening. It didn’t really work, or at least it doesn’t feel like it did. Those two albums normally help regardless of the situation. I cannot think of a time before where the first three songs on …And Justice For All didn’t make me feel better. Tonight maybe it did for a little while, it let me focus a bit on something for my walk.
So tomorrow, I have no idea. I think I need to go into the office. I should be able to resolve some paperwork at the least and I can do that with less distractions if I go in and sit at my desk and just go through it. Good to get that added focus.
Actually fuck it. I’ve said both way too much and not enough. I have to be up early in the morning. So now I’m going to go and read for a little while and then sleep. In todays second piece of irony (the wonderful one earlier wouldn’t translate at the moment), I’m reading this great little cult book by Arthur Nersesian; The Fuck-up
Goodnight.
(PS sorry feed readers. Some early publishing lead to edits and deletions and stuff. I’m having a bad day, cut me some slack huh?)
Sleepyhead, come on let’s take a ride
2:11 am Monday, 19 November, 2007
Ah Sunday evening, Monday morning how I dread you so. Another week begins. Lets first take a look back at this past week.
I’ve just noticed that I have been posting an hour in the future for some time now. I wonder how I missed this. I bet it’s some sort of GMT/BST thing. Anyway please subtract an hour from the last few postings, thanks very much!
Right lets go straight back to Friday evening. I took the day off work because something was up and I had things to do. This wasn’t so bad. I got some things done but not everything, wait that’s the story of my life is it not? Anyway I still had to go out to Hammersmith because that evening I was going to see Ryan Adams and the Cardinals in the Apollo. It was a mixed evening. The bad, we were seated (the entire gig was) and about halfway back on the balcony so it wasn’t great. The crowd was basically a bunch of cunts. It was the worst crowd I’ve ever been with. From the moment they came on stage there were people shouting shit and throughout the entire gig people were shouting requests. It was just odd. Every song would finish and people would shout and shout and shout. Assholes. Now the other big problem I have with seated gigs is people getting in and out. There seemed to be no rush at all for people to take their seats or anything like that when the gig started. Everyone milled around, people sat in wrong seats and then shouted about it. So shit crowd, like I say basically a bunch of cunts.
The good however could have been so much better. If this had been in Brixton or somewhere like that, it could well have been the best gig I’ve ever been to. They played for just over two and half hours and the setlist was amazing. There was almost everything I could want to hear (opening with Let It Ride!) from all the albums. Really good stuff.
So that was good.
Saturday was quiet. I did some stuff locally in the morning before my sister came around to use the net for a while. Her job fell through and so it’s back to square one but I suppose from my point of view at least she has a flat of her own now.
Saturday evening I stopped by for a quick drink at Andrew’s birthday party before heading out to Alexandra Palace to see Arcade Fire. I was most amused to find the shuttle bus to be a green ex Dublin Bus bus still with all the signs inside. Anyway into the gig as the band took the stage and it was excellent. I wasn’t in the best of form at the time (and probably ain’t now either to be honest) and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would but it was still damn good. Little bit of a chore getting home as I took a wrong turn and spent more time walking than I thought. Oh well.
Sunday…dead. I was meant to be seeing Arcade Fire again this evening but it didn’t happen. I generally use Stargreen for all my ticketing needs in London. I provided them with a change of address when I moved but this seems to have caused huge problems for them and for me. Twice I’ve had to collect tickets from them and for Ryan Adams I had to get duplicates from the box office. Despite two conversations in the past few days, they knew I had not got my ticket for tonight and yet still didn’t get back to me to tell me what I was doing. Do you think they were open on Sunday? So not happy there, I’ll be onto them tomorrow for my money back. I’m considering a strongly worded letter…not that I’ll ever get to it, it’s so old fashioned.
Now to talk about some other stuff. Work, well I can sum that up simply. I don’t know. I’d add stop asking me please but to be honest I think most of you know that already. When I have something to tell you, I’ll tell you. I’m really unhappy about the entire thing but there isn’t anything I can do but wait. It sucks.
Flat, well my flatmate gets back from America tomorrow. Family has kept her there for the past couple of weeks and is going to have her moving back to there in December. I have no idea what this means for me. I cannot afford to take the flat here on my own and we are both paying a lot for this place because it’s a nice flat and we can afford it. I’m not optimistic about keeping it. Of course to add to the complication, we are under contract and I don’t know what, if anything, we can do about that. I’ve that to follow up on during the week.
So just when I thought all was okay on the home front and I could worry about work, I had been so afraid of having to deal with them both at the same time, here I am having to deal with them both at the same time. Not good, not good at all.
Hence the real need for some quiet time. It’s odd that with my flatmate away so much recently how little time I’ve had to myself. Between going out and about and having my sister around and of course KG, I’ve just been all over the place. None of these are bad things I’d like to quickly add but it just stacks up. I feel worn out. I slept until 12.30 today and I still feel so tired (and cold for that matter). I should stop going out so much, that’s out in terms of booking things and that but there is so much good stuff on that I really want to see. I have another 3 gigs this week and then I’m going away next weekend so I’m already looking at the week after for having some time. It’s kinda mad. Some of it’s really good but some of it’s just kinda mad really I think.
I watched some stuff recently. House continues on a grand little roll. I’m really enjoying it, to the point of watching it before I watch anything else which is unusual for me. I guess it’s mainly because Boston Legal continues it’s roll of not being very good. I hate all the characters with two obvious exceptions and dammit I’m starting to hate them a little too. I have not cared enough to watch Heroes for the past few episodes but I hear that it picks up a bit…it needs to. I’m not sure why I’m still watching Weeds, oh wait, yes I know why but it’s a shadow of it’s former self.
Gaming and another couple of big ones recently. This weekend I completed two major nagging concerns. Sewer Trial for a number of badges and then today with the Goodman brothers, the Praetorian arc giving me some much missed badges. It took a good while, we may have been at it for 4 if not 5 hours (oops) but it was nice to get it done from start to finish and get the missing pieces. It was good fun too.
As I think I mentioned recently, I’ve been reading the Kurt Wallander series by Henning Mankell. I’m on book 5 Sidetracked now. I took a brief interlude to read Slash’s autobiography which while being nowhere near as entertaining as The Dirt was still a decent enough read and did leave me dreaming of having been in Guns N’ Roses one evening. Odd that was. Anyway book 5 and there is a whole style to his writing that I just can’t identify. I was going to say it was translation but there has been at least two translators. Well if whichever blurb it was can get away with just saying it’s very “Nordic” then I’ll go with that too. I’m kinda enjoying them, it’s odd I’m really not sure if I am but I’m still reading and buying more anyway. I guess I should stop that but I like finishing what I start (that includes series).
I need to use my camera. I should have this weekend but it’s cold and wet. I’ve done a tiny amount of macro work late ate night recently. A few photos are up but most are crap (and some could argue so are the ones that are up…) and I just need to get out and do more. There’s that having time again…
I’ve missed so much at the cinema. There are so many movies out at the moment or out over the past couple of months that I have not manged to see. Not just random stuff but things I’ve actively been looking forward to seeing (Once, Into The Wild) and I’ve just not managed it. I need to get that into order.
Oh did I mention that the full length tracks with the Heima DVD are even more amazingly beautiful than I had expected? I didn’t. Oh well they are. Truly amazing stuff.
I’d quite like a holiday. First I’d like some money for it though. I seem to be just hemorrhaging cash at the moment. Instead of getting money back from people for tickets and the like I just seem to be getting more tickets. It’s fine, it’s just it seems to be racking up at the moment. I’m not stuck for cash or anything but I’m just aware of my bank balances a little more. It would be nice to get it all back and pay off a credit card and then just carry on. It’ll happen, just like everything else it’d be nice if it happened on my timescales as oppose to anyone elses.
Oh, I’m perfectly sober now, but I really must try and remember to tick the drunk box for anytime I’ve been drinking before going on the internet. Context is king, yo!
Finally here’s a thought. You know how there is the old line that if you think you are crazy, then you probably aren’t and that it’s the ones who think they are perfectly sane that are actally crazy? Well anyway there it is if you don’t know it. I wonder if it could apply to anything else…
All you take with you when you’re gone, is what you leave behind
3:46 am Monday, 29 October, 2007
Alright let me tell you just how bored I’ve been stuck at home over the past week.
Are you ready for this?
I’ve read pretty much every wikipedia entry on any and everyone that I remembered from the WWF (now WWE) from the late eighties and early nineties. I downloaded the “Montreal Screwjob” and actually found myself searching for Royal Rumbles and other such events. I even find myself giving thought to reading Bret Hart’s autobiography.
I went into Waterstones yesterday. I don’t know why, I’m not meant to be buying books…though I’m not meant to have been buying books for a while now. So there is the new Alice Sebold; The Almost Moon there and so I have to buy that. Then I get to thinking that the press over the 2007 Booker winner The Gathering has sold me on it and so I’ll have that. Then I spot a new hardcover by Joe Hill and his Heart Shaped Box was one of the best horror novels I’ve read in years and so I had to have that. Then by the time I add in the same book on Hopper from Taschen (who I seem to be getting a lot of art books from recently) and decide that I really should see what the fuss is about over Stephen Fry and get his first novel, well I’m over the £50. Oops.
Really done now. This needs to be a cheap month. I have changes ahead to pay for one way or the other.
So I’m off to Dublin on Wednesday and very much looking forward to it. I could do with the break, not that I’ve not really just had a break but I felt like shit and didn’t do very much. So that’ll be good. It’ll be good to get out and spend some time with folks. I made that phonecall today, I sat down to make three calls and all three rang out. Then later on I did manage to speak to all three people. That one was odd, I suspect that nothing is actually going to come of it but I really hope I’m wrong.
Wow it’s late.
2:47 am Monday, 29 October, 2007
If you were there, you know. If you weren’t, my god, I wish I could show you what it was like.
We can never have that moment again. But me? Je ne regrette rien.
In Metafilter “Unicorn on the cob” comments on Rave Culture in North Carolina and lying here reading it, I have this utter feeling of having missed something wonderful.
manner, character, proper behaviour
3:48 am Friday, 26 October, 2007
It’s three am and I’m a) freezing and b) unable to sleep. There is a certain irony in the latter…
I just got up to put some clothes on, specificaly some socks as my feet are like iceicles. I suspect it’s partly down to the lack of food over the past few days. I haven’t eaten very much and this is my body now deciding to complain about that. Joy.
So here are somethings, mostly random:
Life doesn’t owe you anything. Not a single thing, no matter how much you might think or act like it does, it doesn’t. You have nothing coming and you are not entitled to anything.
I have spent the past hour wondering how much school actually prepared me for life. I don’t think the answer is all that much. I’m struggling to think of things that I took from school which are actually useful to me. I mean sure we can go with reading and basic math but other than that, I dunno. Cursive writing? Please. I was even thinking that I wonder how much use even doing English was. In day to day life, do I actually need to know the difference between a verb and a noun? Do I need know the difference between a simile and a metaphor? I dunno…
Morals, wow nelly. There’s possibly a whole long rant on this one here but not now. I don’t even know where to begin to try a summation. I especially don’t know how to even begin to type this without coming across as some supreme asshole. So I’m going to try a massive generalisation. Some people have high standards of morals, some people have low standards. Others have no morals and others float somewhere between lots and none. Right well that’s good Dave, go with that… What I think I’m trying to say is that sometimes the judging goes both ways. So someone with a high set of morals judges someone else for a lesser set of morals, it’s entirely possible that the person with the lesser set is judging the person with the higher set.
Okay well fuck me. I guess I should have paid more attention in those aforementioned English classes, then I might be able to get that into a sentence or paragraph that might actually make sense.
- In a(nother) piece of irony, while I was commenting about school, I had wikipedia open in two windows. One to look up Derrida and the other to follow that a little more and go into deconstruction. I’ve just opened it again to look see what it says about morals.
So tonight due to still feeling shitty, I have not gone out with herself nor have I attended the massive V evening with honoured guests and rare old faces. Both of these are not good, I’d have much rather been out. Especially as I’m sat here not sleeping and not even close to sleeping. Bah.
Dublin next week. I’ve been thinking more about sorting some stuff out and I’ve come to a couple of decisions. So tomorrow I need to make a phone call and while I suspect the best I’ll get is voicemail, I’d like to leave a message at the least.
Tomorrow, well I should say later today. I need to go into work. I’m feeling much better right now. I doubt I’ll be able to say the same when my alarm goes off and I’ve had no sleep but anyway. I want to find out if there is any more news, there should be. Two deadlines have passed and I’ve been lead to believe there is stuff to hear. That should be something.
Also, tomorrow evening I have a ticket to see Christy Moore. I’m now very glad to remember that it’s a fully seated gig so that’s gonna be good. I’ve also got a ticket for the fourth row which is nice. I’m going whether I feel up to it or not. It’ll be a lovely sing along in a few places and if that’s not what I need right now, then I don’t know what is. It’s in lovely Hammersmith too. So into work and then I guess some catching up with people after before heading down there. I must look into times and support etc but could just be a couple of hours of himself and Declan. Should be good stuff.
I bought some art from my friend Jill recently. She’s been doing some cool stuff over the past year or so and I wanted to get something for my walls. I was extra pleased today when I read that she’s involved in Jeremy’s deal with Zuda (the DC Comics online imprint) and will be doing some chapter breaks and stuff. I met Jeremy briefly back in NYC earlier in the year, really nice guy in person. It’s nice to see more success coming along for him. And damn if his art for it isn’t really pretty, love that cover.
My finger is sore. I’d blame the cold but I seem to be noticing it a lot recently. Sore isn’t really the right word, I just know that it’s there a little more and I notice that while I’m typing, I don’t seem to be using it very much. There isn’t any reason for it, it’s all fine but I’m not. I should watch that. Hard to believe it was coming on a year ago…
So I’m 28 now. I mention this not because of the number or anything like that but because age has been a discussion all over the place recently. I wonder what it really means, I wonder if it means anything. I tend to come down on the latter, I almost always believe that it is just a number and I really do believe that life and how you live it matters way more than some number. What I sometimes do wonder is what if I’m wrong about that or what if I have been wrong about that. Is there something missing perhaps, a road not taken (or even not yet taken?).
When does adulthood start? I mean really. Ooh I love wikipedia:
Adulthood can be defined in terms of biology, psychological adult development, law, personal character, or social status.
Well that’s an answer, and a pretty good one. I guess that’s not what I’m talking about. I wonder what the expectations are, internal and external and how they match up (if at all). I wonder, I do that a lot.
Alright so it’s very late (or early) and I know I’m talking shit. I have all these half formed thoughts and they seem to be falling out. When I picked up the laptop, I was thinking that I’d head over into LJ and post something locked away so I’d not have to worry so much about what I say but I don’t want to get back into such habits. So instead this is what you get and I just don’t mention some of the things or don’t go into any detail.
Also, talk shite.
I’m listening to the latest Springsteen album for about the third time this evening, maybe even the fourth. It’s grown on me a lot. I’m not convinced it’s a classic nor would I call it as good as the last two studio works but it’s grown on me. Looking forward to seeing him live in December.
Time flies sometimes does it not?
I need to stop spending money. Well, I don’t really but it might be an idea. I realised today that I have over three hundred pounds worth of tickets booked for things till the end of the year for other people! I really should sort some of that out. It’s nice to know though when some bills come in that I do actually have more money than I think I do. Deposit on the last flat has finally been sorted and so I should have that back next week which will be good. I believe I got paid yesterday which will also be good. I should check that later on.
I’m starting to feel tired now and warming up a little. Also starving.
I don’t think I should post this but this is me and I wouldn’t have written this far if I wasn’t going to post it. It’s not me to write locally, if it goes down here, then it generally goes onto the web. There are a few things saved in draft that never made it but this won’t be one of them.
I’ll try and come back to some of these and make more sense, but I’m never very good at reading whatever I wrote (and this is too long, I’m not going to bother with spell check, sorry!) so if this has helped me clear any of my thoughts (it has, at least one major one) then I’m unlikely to come back.
Right. Sleep, thanks for reading this far if you did…I don’t know why you would though.